Funny Quotes
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
I don't give a shit.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
No matter where you go, there you are.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
I know that I will die laughing.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Without music, life would be a mistake.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?