Funny Quotes
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations – it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
I know that I will die laughing.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
Praise does wonders for the sense of hearing.
Between this fan and the fancy sunbrella, I'm one 16 inch waist away from Scarlett O'Hara !
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
I don't give a shit.
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
No matter where you go, there you are.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Changes in life are not only possible and predictable, but to deny them is to be an accomplice to one's own unnecessary vegetation.