Funny Quotes
Fear is that little darkroom where negatives are made.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
How can you tell the difference between a run-over snake and a run-over lawyer? There are skid marks in front of the snake.
Think of me as a sex symbol for men who don't give a damn.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through the snow.
I can levitate birds, but nobody cares.
In Heaven the economy is run by the Germans, the French do the cooking, and the police are English. In Hell the economy is run by the French, the English do the cooking, and the police are German.
Bumper Sticker - Join the Army. See the world, travel to far away places, meet exotic people and kill them.
No matter where you go, there you are.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.
Whenever I think of the past it just brings back so many memories.
Do you think that there is a word that contains all of the vowels? Unquestionably.
Is it just me or is the grim reaper a straight-up hottie ?
It's like, I became such a good person, I almost forgot... I'm a world class liar, baby !
To err is human. To really screw up, you need a computer.
I may not be perfect, but some parts of me are excellent.
Our furniture goes back to louis the fourteenth - unless of course we pay him before then.
As a writer, I tell stories and people give me money. Then financial planners tell me stories, and I give them money.
Time is the great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
Title of newspaper article yesterday - Vandals made off with all toilet seats in the local precinct. Police have nothing to go on.
I make wine at home. I make it out of raisins so that it will be aged automatically.
If you didn't know me, would you think I was a stranger ?
If you ever feel like having a child, go to a restaurant and sit next to one.
"I guess our offense was boring me a little bit" - when asked about dozing off on the sideline.
A lawyer dies and goes to hell. The devil says he'll make a deal with him. He can go to heaven if he gives up the souls of his wife and two kids. 'Sure' says the lawyer, 'but what's the catch ? '
I'm Multi-Dimensional !
When you shoot a mime, should you use blanks ?
Sign: "Illiterate? Write for free help."
I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way.
Reality is the leading cause of stress amongst those in touch with it. I can take it in small doses, but as a lifestyle I find it too confining.
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb ? That depends on whether it has medical insurance.
I don't give a shit.
I know that I will die laughing.
The only reason I would take up jogging would be to hear heavy breathing again.
Bad news, compadres, this place is magic as hell.
What's another word for thesaurus ?
Listen, I have an update from Taako Central. I've updated my list of people I trust and things I believe to no one and nothing ! Not a joke, I don't trust you, half-pint, I don't trust Jeff from Today's Special, I don't trust Barold whatever-his-name - nobody, I trust nobody.
Without music, life would be a mistake.
All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power.
Love may make the world go around, but it's laughter that keeps us from getting dizzy.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Most appreciated after dinner speech - I'll pay the check.
At ten years old I actually thought that the reason I was getting glasses was that I couldn't tell what my parents looked like, because every time I asked my mother to buy me something she'd say, 'What do I look like - a bank ?'
If I had more time, I'd write a shorter speech.
Tonight's weather forecast - dark, with continued darkness until morning.
Congress is the only insane asylum that's run by the inmates.
How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb ? Just one, but it requires 21 office visits and 4 X-rays.
Press forsake! Go ahead and press 'forsake now' !
Appreciate me now, and avoid the rush.